I’m sitting at a goddamn cafe, by myself like some melancholy hipster-wanker. I bought this pad and pen on my way home from work. Actually, I bought them on the way back from the road that leads to the beach where I planned to sit in my car and cry for an extended period of time. Half way to the beach I decided that it was much more cliche and therefore appropriate to sit in a crowded place and remind myself of how surrounded I am by people, but yet how alone I feel.
I know that most people feel exactly this way at some time in their lives. I know that most people feel as lost as I do, often. I know that not knowing which direction to head in is not something that I am discovering for myself on behalf of the rest of the human race. I know that if I posed my problems in the form of a question to the online community via google, there would most likely be a yahoo answer with some stupid responses and probably some poignant, helpful suggestions, advice and anecdotes from strangers’ lives. Still I feel as if I’m walking around on this Earth with no meaningful connection to anyone or anything other than the rhythmic, routine relationship between my feet and the floor.
Loneliness is common. It’s dependable. It’s ever-present – for everyone? Surely, in the billions of people on this planet, there is someone out there who fits, just so, perfectly within my heart. Surely, there’s this someone who is kind, who is thoughtful and respectful and who thinks I’m just exceptional, as I do them. Surely there’s someone who I’d feel proud to stand next to and to bring home to friends and family and claim them as my own, my one and only. Surely there’s someone out there who I’d be so completely sure is the person I can trust to love so immensely and who I can trust so completely to love me just the same back.
When I think about this person in my mind, when I try to quantify them, they are faceless. Does that mean I have no idea what I want in a partner? Does that mean I don’t care what they look like? Does it mean that I’m doubtful such a person exists and I just simply cannot believe there’d be a real person to apply these qualities to, that I shan’t even bother trying?
Return my gaze, faceless stranger. Just look this way once. Let me know you. Let me know you exist so I don’t give up. No amount of words out-do this lack of action and this lack of presence. I want to believe you’re just over there at that table in front of me. I can see the back of your head – please just turn around and see me. Let’s talk.