I’m a good person.

Baby, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’d say you played some part in the end of this relationship, but I wouldn’t say it convincingly. I’ve been cheated on before and I’d punch that guy in the dick if he suggested I’d caused his infidelity in any way. I know it was my choice entirely, just like it was his.

I know it won’t make you feel any better but I’m hurting. Much more than when something like this happened to me. That pain went away after a while but this guilt lingers. This guilt stains. This guilt is like a swarm of blowflies on a sweaty t-shirt in the summer heat. I know you’d say I was trying too hard with that analogy and I’d tell you to shut the fuck up… I miss that shit.

I don’t tell you about my pain to belittle yours in anyway. One of our friends told me you’d put yourself into hospital after I told you. It made me sick to know that I’d done this to you. It made me even more sick to know that I was halfway across the world and couldn’t be there for you, whether you wanted me or not.

I don’t know whether you’ll read this or whether it matters at all but I’m trying to explain why it happened. If that’d help at all. Maybe this is just for me. Maybe like every bad thing I’ve done, I’m trying to convince myself that I’m still a good person regardless.

You left me all alone over here. I felt you’d abandoned me when I needed your support the most. I was lost. This was the first time I had questioned your love. I feel there’s a sense of painful irony in that I’m aching to come to your side across the Ocean right now, but you flew away from mine.

I got high and I got drunk. He was there and he was nice and I was lonely and I was sad. I’ve done some stupid, bad, bad shit in my life, Baby. I’ve done drugs and I’ve stolen but even then I’ve considered myself a good person. When I woke up, naked, hazy, in that bed with a man beside me who wasn’t you, well, I don’t know what I considered myself anymore.

Am I a good person? I was once, to you. I was once, to me. It’s been a long time and I haven’t tried to convince myself I’m good since.

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