Around the circle we’ve each got our own schema and our objects of rumination. This is how I see them all in my mind – I can’t remember all of their real names, but I know what they struggle with. I tell myself that’s OK because whilst I’m not listening for their name, I know what hurt is in their hearts. Isn’t that really listening? I push away the gnawing at the back of my skull that tells me that someone shouldn’t be defined by what burden they carry on their backs.
To my left there is Self Worth, Career, Family and then Friendships next to her. Then there’s Provider who often doesn’t show up and next to him there’s Identity and Confidence and Quiet. Finally there’s me, Relationships. We’re an interesting bunch and I’ve grown to like everyone’s company, even though I don’t think I’d have regular coffee dates with many in the group. I think I will miss them when I no longer have to see them every week.
We’re learning about unhelpful thoughts at the moment and how we can try to combat them by first acknowledging and then discrediting. It’s pretty helpful when you’re in the right frame of mind to look objectively at what’s going on in the head but it’s hard to distance yourself from your own brain.
When it comes time for me to share what thoughts I’ve been ruminating on, I don’t give them the hot thought. I think what’s really tumbling about up there for me is much too depressing to share with a group of people with mood disorders. So instead, I tell them I’ve been thinking that I’m unlovable. We learn that our hot thoughts are an interpretation of a feeling. The feeling I’m having is sadness and I’m feeling sadness because I think I’m unlovable. Yes, OK, this is a good perspective. I’m not sad because I am unlovable.
I divide the page just as Self Worth and Quiet are doing upon instruction from our facilitator. On the left: factual evidence against that thought. On the right: factual evidence for that thought. The five minutes are almost up. Self Worth hides his page so I can’t see his. Quiet is writing an essay. I’ve got one line and I don’t know how to dispute it.
I don’t believe in love.